My first Emo post.

It's already 4am and I'm unable to sleep due to problems piling up one after another.

Having this difficulty to sleep for a week or two already and it's making me mad and very very depressed. I need some sort of advice, from you peeps who read my blog to overcome all these before I really choose to end my fucking life, forgetting all these fucked up problems.


First of all is my relationship.

I fell in love with this girl, and one day, she tells me she cant be with me due to some phobia she has with guys. She's afraid of guys touching her, even holding her hands makes her feel insecure. I know it is hard to accept, but I choose to patch things up with her and was given a second chance. During the second chance period, she treated me like I'm nobody and kept trying to avoid conversations with me when I told her she can tell me all her problems and I can maybe listen and give some sort of advice. I really don't mind her having this phobia as long as both of us are happy, yet I can see she isn't. We broke up a week after that. She even told me to leave her alone, which I honestly can't when a few things I see,hear,smell reminds me deeply of her. I've consulted a very good friend of mine to help out on getting vital information which I need to try and patch things up again. Guess what? We spoke over MSN earlier and he tells me he loves her, and that he wants to make her his girlfriend. Obviously, this gave me greater impact after what happened between me and her and now this? Fuck wei. I know it's not wrong for him to make a move since me and her are no longer couples and he has the right to try as well but then I feel betrayed. I don't know why, betrayed in a sense that I was treated this way by both of them. One a very good friend of mine, One someone I love.

He says he have the intention to woo her, but I told him that its better to give me time to try since it's also fair to me in the first place. I'm confused , disappointed and sad right now as I'm typing this.

The point now is, this girl I love told him to tell me that there is no longer any love between me and her which he did.
But can't I at least try my best before giving up? Can't I?

I really love her from the bottom of my heart.
I really love the way she smiles.
In conclusion, she's perfect for me yet I don't know if I'm the right man for her but I don't want to let go. Please help me.



Followed by my studies.

I have to "REPEAT" 5 fucking subjects due to the group leader of mine for assignments who eventually did not submit in the assignment to the lecturer thus causing me to have to be retained for another fucking semester which is roughly 4 months. I don't mind the money but time is what that is essential to me right now.
I'm already late, I don't wanna be late no more. I tried appealing, I tried contacting the highest authority in college and guess what? EPIC PHAIL cos I have no evidence to support my claim. Ok, fine. I look for evidence for you, so I called this guy (my group leader) and he doesn't pickup my call, he did not attend the classes as well for this semester which makes me think that he got owned badly as well and is not going to study no more.

This is impact number 2.


Then, comes impact number 3.

My emotions. It's getting me very very depressed lately, getting tired of life, getting fed up, it even made me thought of suicide. To just jump off a 20 floor building and ending everything that's so fucked up in my life right now. I haven't felt this way before in the past, never. Every problems I came across, I overcome it like a man. Stand up to my point and fuck the rest up. I never was a good guy, I never was a good citizen, but I enjoy my life till this very month which made me all moody and fedup. Some of you might have greater problems in life than me, I'm sorry for being such a pussy right now and I'm sure many of you out there never seen this side of me before. I know, cos I myself didn't felt like this before in the past. Not during the 19 years and 10 months of my life.

Back to suicide, I know it settles everything once and for all but it'll only hurt my family members and friends even more to know I have chosen this road instead of overcoming it with you guys. I pray for the day which I'll have a terrible mental breakdown doesn't come for I really is in deep need of help right now.


Sorry for being so emotional. I'm sorry.